Officially Stefny

I’ve always been the smallest person in my family.

I weighed 3 1/2 pounds when I was born.

Even now I’m 5’4″ or 5’5″ depending on who you ask, and I’m still the shortest.

My whole life all I’ve ever heard is “Oh you’re so cute and skinny,” “I wish I was little like you,” “Don’t get old and fat like me,” “Look at that little flat tummy,” etc.

When I was a kid, I worked my ASS OFF.

I started cheerleading at 6, ice skating at 7, and gymnastics at 10. I played tee-ball, softball, and basketball every summer. My mom was my cheer coach and my dad was my softball coach, so I never got a break from it. Not that I necessarily wanted one – back then I loved cheerleading (softball not so much) and practiced all the time. Any time I wasn’t at school (and actually, even when I was) I was tumbling, stretching, jumping, practicing.

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I didn’t hit 100 lbs till the summer between 7th and 8th grade when I was on a competitive cheer team.

I’ve always been a picky eater. I don’t like spaghetti with sauce, I love potatoes but hate the peel, I love tomatoes but hate the seeds, the only meat I like is chicken.

I never realized what all this was subconsciously doing to me.

Three years ago, I gained a lot of weight. I’m still in a “normal” weight for my size, but it’s a lot for me. Up until 3 years ago, I’ve been wearing the same clothes since 8th grade. Even at the beginning of 2017 I was fluctuating between 117-123 lbs. Then over the span of a few months I was around 140. My pants didn’t fit anymore. Some of my favourite dresses didn’t fit anymore.

I started taking antidepressants. Did that cause it? Hard to say because I’ve been on SSRIs off and on since I was in high school and it never did it before. I’ve been on birth control off and on since high school and that never affected me.

Was it just getting older? Did my metabolism suddenly crash and burn?

Up until this point, I never considered that I might have an eating disorder. It’s really hit me hard the last three years, and especially right now during quarantine. It also might sound stupid, but watching Miss Americana and seeing Taylor Swift talk about her struggles with food was the first time I really thought about it. It was definitely the first time I asked someone else about it.

See, I also have hEDS, or hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. It’s a type of EDS that, obviously, causes hypermobility and joint pain/damage. It also causes a host of other problems ranging from gastrointestinal issues to severe myopia to anxiety and depression. This chronic illness is something that you’re born with, but doesn’t necessarily manifest until later in life. It didn’t really start to affect me until I was about 21-22.

I worked at Home Depot from the ages of 18-23. Several times over that period, I would have to literally go steal a wheelchair from the front of the store because I couldn’t walk. One of my knees or hips would give out and I couldn’t bear weight or anything. I would have to hop from wherever I was in the store to the front and pray that there was an extra one available. I’m sure people thought it was ridiculous that this young, healthy-looking girl was riding around in a wheelchair that was obviously created for shopping.

hEDS makes it hard for me to exercise. It makes it hard for me to go on walks. It makes it hard for me to stand or sit for long periods. It makes pretty much every aspect of normal, everyday life difficult.

I try to exercise, I really do. But every time I start a regimen, it’s like I get mowed over by a semi truck. I can make it a few days, maybe a week, and then one day I wake up unable to move, in so much pain it makes me cry, accompanied by vertigo on some occasions.

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The years of increased joint pain, coupled with the other issues it causes me, have taken their toll. I can’t exercise to lose weight because my body can’t handle it. I’ve never been a big eater, but it’s something that I’ve become increasingly aware of now that I’ve gained so much.

Many times, I only will eat one meal, maybe two. I’ll almost always eat cereal and have chocolate milk in the morning (oat milk or almond milk because I’m lactose intolerant), sometimes around 9 but sometimes around 12. If my boyfriend is not home or busy playing games, I may or may not eat dinner. Sometimes my lunch is a tomato or a lemon. Sometimes my dinner is a glass of juice.

Even identifying the problem, it’s hard for me to change my behaviour. I’m not sure that I even want to. Obviously it hasn’t made me lose weight. Some mornings I wake up and weigh 135, some mornings it’s 138, some mornings it’s 140. When I see the higher numbers, I just jump off the scale and act like it didn’t happen. When I see the lower numbers, I wonder what it is that I did to accomplish that and how can I replicate it?

Even after my weight gain, I’m still the smallest person in my family. My aunt asked me one day if I lost weight and told me I looked really good. My mom told me that I looked good and not so knobby, that I’ve “finally filled out.” Is that a good thing? My whole life I’ve been made to think that it wasn’t, now suddenly it is?

Looking back at old photos of myself, I don’t think I look that skinny. I just look normal. But any pictures I see of myself now are triggering. It’s also hard to find any photos of myself in high school where you can see my legs because I lived in baggy clothes. I was so ashamed of my body. I never even went swimming or to the beach without shorts because I hated the way my hips and thighs looked.

I wish I could end this post with optimism and promise to change, but I really don’t think that’s possible. Just stick with me, maybe give me words of encouragement, and hope for the best.